Selfishly, Very Selfishly

Let this be about me, selfishly.

Please?

I can't allow myself to be anyone but me.

I say that only because I've not been feeling myself. Not from my heart at least. And it's only when you realise you're not you, that you resort to letting vulnerability show. But I've not reached that stage just yet. 

To date, I've not wrapped 2008 up (though I should've by now), yet I'm living 2009 already. And I'm honestly unafraid, because I feel secure about this new year, somehow. At the rate I feel my heart cringing to rock, God has been good, really good. But my heart knows, that this girl isn't quite me. 

I'm currently experiencing what life feels like when God is subtly providing and loving despite a heart that, isn't what it was. Hence, I'm positively sure that life, is truly never the same when He lives in you. 

There's no denying. There's no running, no escaping. 

He always grabs a hold of you, just to show you how tightly He'd always hold onto you. 

I know it, I've experienced it. That's where I'm left hanging, trying to figure how my heart is still the way it is. I wouldn't say it was a bad start to the year, because it wasn't. I'm starting to realise the importance of the love of God. 

I've let many thoughts slip by, due to the lack of journalling and blogging. And I do regret allowing that to happen.

I don't want to live like this other self. This isn't quite me, and I'm uncomfortable in a different skin. I don't enjoy being two people, though I am one. And it might rub in deeper now that school has started. I need to ensure that I don't let myself go. I must. 

Despite previous heartaches and learning experiences, I still land myself in emotional cages. I still allow it to happen. There comes the build up, again, and again, and again. And again, nothing in my spirit wants to release. Absolutely nothing wants to give in. Knowing myself, I'd break down and give in after a couple of weeks into putting on a strong front. I'm just afraid this might take longer than I thought. 

I'm not asking for anyone to confront this, or break me so I don't have to endure the build up, then the break down for myself. Because God teaches me different lessons each time I cage myself and my emotions. I will become so raw, so vulnerable that God will see right through me as if I was transparent. 

All I'm asking, is not for approval. 

God, as long as I have Your attention and Your love (As if I deserve it. But I'm going to be as thick-skinned as I'll ever be, and ask of You anyway), I'll find me. 

In You, I'll find me. That, I'm sure.

Just be around, for me.

Selfishly. Very selfishly. 

Thank You.